Alexithymia

I saw her face rifled with emotion and excitement and wearing a smile not to be mistaken for any other as she saw and approached me . I stopped her before she could utter the words that I could read on her face from the way she looked at me...

"Don't trifle with emotions you don't fully understand"... I said... She knew from the look in my eyes and by the tone in my voice that I was sure of what I spoke and that it was to be heeded.

I expected her to leave in silence or be antagonized by what appeared to be condescendence... But  "Lol" she quite literally said as an unbecoming calmness befell her ... She could somehow tell how surprised I was despite my facial expression remaining unmoved.

"Do you now mean to tell me you know my emotions better than I do? , my emotions exist regardless of whether yours are mutual"... She said ,speaking as many words as she could before I intervened. For she knew the now only too old state of mind I had entered into when she attempted to bring this up.

As I inconspicuously swallowed my saliva , took a deep breath and prepared to speak ... "Fuck you Tommy" she said... In an eerie calm tone... She said it with so much emotion but displayed no signs of belligerence...

I could see she was proud of herself as finally she was able to draw an expression from my face with those words... "I will not be angered by nor insult the traits you display as you clearly take pride in them... I look at you... And I see only shallowness in your depth... You aren't who think you are , many people try to impress others , you are possessed by the need to impress yourself by doing "Dumb shit" (as she quoted with her hands) that only you understand and passing it off as depth... Its pathetic" she added ...

She couldn't be more correct and mistaken at the same time , I thought to myself... All she had spoken was the truth... Except for that she had looked through and not at me.

"I love you" she said loudly before I was able to cut her off again...As a look of surprise arose on her face. Surprise , but not at that she had said it , but rather at that I had allowed her to... An awkward silence befell the moment as those few seconds suddenly felt like hours.

She knew I had known how she felt about me and how I felt about her... And this of all days she would not be denied her very right as my person...

"I'm tired of your shit" , she said explicitly ... "Today you WILL tell me you love me or I'm gone"... She said in anger for the first time during the entire conversation.

I had expected this to come at some time or another so my facial expression remained unmoved , but my emotions however , were all over the place...

Was I to lose the defining aspect of my character that had been at the forefront of my growth since I was able to think and had essentially made me who I am by telling her I loved her or was I to lose the only woman my shallow heart had ever been able to love by saying nothing to her...??

As she looked me straight in the eyes and I prepared to tell her I loved her as apathetically as possible... I involuntarily gasped and sighed slowly... As if to say I had been possessed , my aura suddenly darkened... "I refuse to allow you to force me to acknowledge what does not exist" ...I said to her assuredly ...

She bit her lower lip and closed her eyes as she shook her head slowly... Opening her eyes with tears in them she said "I don't even know why I'm surprised" as she grabbed her keys , phone and blouse in preparation to leave...

She looked back and said "Get help". It was clear she was still unable to understand why he could not tell her with his mouth what his eyes clearly said...That he loved her... Between pride and the littlethings...(...Loading)

By: Tommy Nambahu Jr