Tainted

"They show no interest in others and do not value relations, they have never truly loved"

Perhaps some of us appear impassive   because we know the true value of emotions... We do not run around uttering words meaninglessly... You call us assholes because we refuse to acknowledge what you think you feel... It is easier for you to love because you do not know what love is...

You string along seamlessly and find joy in everything because you neither understand yourself nor do you emotions... With antiquated concepts and notions of how things should be or are, emotions derived from or influenced by books, passages and quotes... Your emotions and how you understand them are a borrowed notion.

If you were told to explain what you feel in your own words you'd be lost... You'd argue that others are more articulate or that it's a "feeling that you can't explain" as you shy away from the fact that you might just have no idea... You're like this because the emotions you've come to understand are not your own...

They say that after truly loving once, one has to die (figuratively) before being able to love again... It's the kind of emotion that once lost can cut you in half... The kind of thing that does not leave you the same afterwards... Creates people with darker auras and fuels cynicism or Perhaps people are merely scared of showing their emotions because they're selfish and only truly look to protect ourselves you may argue.

Or perhaps true strength lies in being able to gather yourself and come back stronger, what-what... They may be right... Perhaps those of us that choose to love ourselves are weaker. Perhaps it's just easier to use previous heartbreak or being "broken" as an excuse to not be expected to commit fully...

But then again that's not human nature... We all yearn for that something...someone... You could try to and succeed in understanding someone's mentality and train of thought but no one can ever fully understand someone else's reality...

Draw strength from what gives you life... Stop measuring your emotions against other peoples' ... Do you love who you love because they love you back... If they were to stop loving you tomorrow would you still love them next year?... Are your emotions conditional or subject to reciprocation...?

"If you were to turn into a snake tomorrow and began devouring humans, and from the same mouth you devoured humans, you cried out to me, "I Love You!" Would I still be able to say "I Love You," the same way I do today?"... Gin Ichimaru (Bleach)

There are distinctively 2 kinds of people... People that find love and people that build love... Love found burns bright on the pretext of expectations and leaves the undergoers in an ecstatic sense of suspension...it's too large an emotion to hang from such a thin string...

It's the kinda shit that people should build... No one's emotions should attempt to mirror others'... Do not base your relationships on the apparent perfection of someone else's... Blessed are those able to build relations without external influences... Even me with my "to hell with the world" attitude find it difficult to rid my mind of the negatives people have to say about what you're tryna build... What you can build is usually stronger than what you can find...

...

Uuuuh 😩😩😩... Uuuugh... I always lose the plot of these things... What was I even talking about?... Yeah , whatever ... Point is don't judge apathetic behavior if you don't know what taints a man's soul...

By: Tommy Nambahu junior 

Mirrors

Weird how moments in life are punctuated by sessions in the mirror... It's those moments when the B.S is cut and you're forced to you see yourself as you really are.

Or how sometimes you would be out with some friends having fun, probably drunk and you go to the bathroom, wash your face and look at yourself in the mirror like "TF am I doing"...and you try to get a grasp on what you're doing with your entire being...

People tend to come back different from sessions with the mirror no matter how short it is. Our lives tend to get into a monotonous rhythm, where we semi-subconsciously drift through things. Mirrors or probably having to look at yourself allows you to take stock of what you're doing or how far you've come.

Forgo the vain glances at yourself and you realise that it's almost as if you live between sessions in the mirror, moments of immeasurable clarity...

Everyone sees you, but no one sees you as you see yourself. Are you happy with the being you see in the mirror...and leave your vanity outta this...though I do try avidly to avoid being too belletristic, I say this... mirrors are the windows to the soul...

You find that people are all just extensions of or physical manifestations of they're emotions... Some are significantly better at masking them than others when in public... But you can't hide your feelings from yourself... This is what mirrors represent... They make the truth palpable, they give your emotions and existence a face and force you to look at it as it is...

We all believe ourselves to be better than the shallow beings we actually are. Are you who you see when you look straight in the mirror?

By: Tommy Nambahu Jr

Knowing

Introspection is defined as the examination of one's own conscious thoughts and feelings. In psychology the process of introspection relies exclusively on observation of one's mental state, while in a spiritual context it may refer to the examination of one's soul.

The ability to understand people lies within understanding yourself and understanding how people feel about themselves. Some would call it psychology / the study of the human mind, but that implies that there are prefixes and that we have predetermined States of mind and thought patterns, Which  couldn't be more wrong.

If there's anything I've learned its that people are different, not just as they act, but more importantly as they think... People can never be classified... We aren't animals... But if anything, understanding the nature of people only leads to disliking them... We tend of enquire about things we don't really want the answers to... Is knowledge really power?

The most intellectual among us say Omniscience is an impossible pursuit. Change is probably the precursor to this impossibility... We can't know everything because the state of everything is ever-changing...

What if I told you that he who knew the least amongst us was the most intelligent? Would you trust it? :)

Lemme explain... There's been one unarguable truth amongst the pursuers of Omniscience,  that "The more you learn, the less you know"... Knowledge comes with understanding how little you actually know...

He who knows least, has a greater grasp on his existence... Those that know more tend to be darker and more pessimistic... Less becomes of the world, the more you know.

Knowledge does not come with power nor responsibility ,it comes with wisdom and wisdom comes with regret ... the more we grow, the less becomes of us...

Knowledge is a triviality the pursuers of omniscience chase ... we cannot become as intellectual as we want without loss of self... 

Having said all that... It is still better to know than not to... One should never opt for blindness when seeing is an option... Do not choose to be blind because you don't like what you see... See and embrace the bullshit ... You might be better for it. 

By: Tommy Nambahu Jr

Cynicism

Ever find times when you feel that people really just ain't shit...? Used to feel like that a lot. Happens when people keep failing you.

Sometimes I feel I think more of people then they think of themselves... See so many people around me that have the potential to be "more" but are content with where they are.

Some people just call it cynicism... Or perhaps the feeling is a result of how people compare to the high value one places on oneself... Which falls besides having an ego.

If I told you the most "Condescending" ... "Patronizing" ... Person you know probably just values you more than you value yourself , surely you wouldn't trust it... Of course not ... Its easier for you to judge then understand... Its societies defining characteristic , knowing the "what" (he's an asshole) but not bothering to understand the "why"...

Cynicism comes with meeting people and understanding that not everyone wants to or is interested in bettering themselves... Seeing people apply the double standard to their daily lives and having selective morality over certain things and living without even a smidge of introspective makes you less eager about people.

The shit about being extrospective is it has a tendency to kill relations... Thing is people dont want to be seen as they are.
I mean is it really condescension if one has greater faith in himself than he does in others? Does someone else's egocentrism or narcissism make you any less of a person?... Or is it a principle you dislike because you were raised to do so.

Or lemme guess you're one of the many that put up a forcefield of humility because you think this makes you a better person... The hypocritical paradox in this thesis though...

Is it really wrong for one to be vain , if their vanity is generated from a sense of self / pride , and not belongings or status?... The best of us are probably the most vain ... Though we don't all embrace it.

Vanity pushes effervescent growth... The need to want to be a better version of yourself ...or perhaps the true pursuit of vanity lies under pursuing omniscience...though I can't help thinking that knowing more makes you more of a cynic ... But that's a topic for another day...

Yeah , embrace your vain self ... Though I don't condone the whole loud vanity thing , nah ... But that false humility we throw around to regulate relations and be bearable to people you can't bear ... That shit should be stopped ...rather be true to yourself and be thought of as an ass by the shallow people that think it shallow of you to hold a high opinion of yourself...

Wait , what was all this even about?...

Probably went way off topic ... Was there even one ... Eeeh ... Guess they aren't called random thoughts for nothing...

Religion

I'm often asked why I disagree with the whole construct of religion. I actually don't... entirely.

I like the idea of religion , as an intangible construct (an invisible law enforcement somewhat) that guides people's ways of living and guides their moral compasses to knowing right from wrong. It regulates relations between people in a certain community , gives them faith , hope and belief... People are able to continue living believing their existances aren't futile.

But that's about where it stops... The religions we've put into place are entirely broken. I say "put into" because religion is a construct of man , man came before religion . Religion was just man looking to the skies for answers he could not find around him.

The same religions that teach us we are all "equal in the eyes of God" are the ones that imply that those who don't take up that religion are lesser beings living futile lives and are condemned...
Religion had its place when communities were conservative and weren't really interacting with other communities and it only served individual bodies of people.

All the wars in history and now can be directly / indirectly (but sufficiently) linked to either race or religion...

"Accept God as your savior"

- Savior from what?

"From what he's going to do to you if you don't accept him as your Savior "
... This reasoning is beyond me.

It is expected of you to obey, believe and follow your religion without question or hesitation of any form... And be thankful to your religion for everything that goes right in your life.
Nazi Germany and Adolf Hitler are a great example of what happens when people blindly follow/rally behind a figure/cause,  they don't fully understand and can't question.

The same religious bodies that teach against segregation, victimising and persecution of individuals or groups are the first to call you "The anti-christ" and label you an atheist in a derogatory / demeaning manner, as if you were of a lesser class and "are going to hell" for questioning why you should dedicate your life to something someone sat at home and thought up. The same ones that teach not to kill but wage wars" in the name of God"

My point is that religion is probably the last barrier humanity has to face before they truly start evolving as a race. The greatest world divides are down to religion. Yes, we need diversity, but you fail to realize that culture, norms and moral beliefs can stand aside from religion... As they did before religion.

I just fear it will take a disaster of unprecedented proportion for humanity to see that they can no more look to the skies and their regions and realize that they must be their own salvation.

The Motion

There are setbacks or rather actualities we are never ready for... Things we feel we've grown past or overcome.

I feel there's nothing worse than realizing the truth after so long... You feel you've come this far only for it to all turn to shit at the introduction of an unexpected event.
Realizing you are in essence not the person you thought you were and have not at all grown... Your emotions and actions are still tied to past events and people... The feeling that what you are leaving behind is where you belong.

In our existence there are 2 realities ... "Where we are" and "where we want to be"... We all strive to be where we want to be ... But it happens more often than not that we end up realizing that where we were is where we've actually always wanted to be , and are often faced with the prospect of giving up what we've gained on the way to realizing this...

The feeling that within the strength you've grown a greater weakness emerged... One in which you long for traits you had previously possessed and lost in growth...

We often find means to convince ourselves that what we are doing is satisfactory and is in an actual sense what we want to do... The lies we tell ourselves...

But then again , why hold onto something that has forsaken you?... That is a question much easier answered when the "something" isn't something that's part of who you are or a defining characteristic...
To grow means giving up your ability to walk so you can learn how to fly... But what happens when you give up your ability to walk and realize you don't know how to fly?...

It takes great character to keep moving after you find yourself back where you started ... I was never ready... Nothing was the same ... Though it remains monotonous...

Esoteric

The one in the crowd trying neither to fit in nor stand out... Could probably never fit in if he wanted to... Acknowledge your oddities and have it misconstrued as vanity.

Rather remain silent and hope they remain indifferent to your differences.

It all comes undone when you do things of an inexplicable / unjustifiable nature and you don't bother explaining because your reasons are esoteric.

You find yourself lost when even the odd find you odd... The one that understands you even minutely is intellectual enough to know not to further burden themselves with the void undertaking.

Others just probe and prod relentlessly in futile attempts to understand someone that does not understand themselves. Sometimes you feel you're just another that thinks too highly of themselves...but your thoughts and actions are driven by neither vanity nor sense of self.

Or maybe you just a faulty toy ... God was bound to make one eventually...

Guess its to not think much and just allow my existence and passing :-"

By: Tommy Nambahu jr